Good morning! I’m sitting in the comfort of my home with not a care in a world, and it feels wonderful 🙂 Prepare yourselves for a slightly long (and perhaps SLIGHTLY overdramatic, haha) post.
Let me begin with about 2 weeks ago and the state of craziness that I found myself in… I had been taking Chem II for my summer class and working my butt off, seriously. And I just wasn’t doing well, I would put in so many hours and get a horrible grade, and I was really discouraged. I finally decided, after much analyzing and talking and thinking, that I just needed to drop it. I’m 90% okay with the decision to drop it, but 10% of me is still upset that I had to do it. I really just wanted to get the stupid class over with.
My desire to finish this class is mostly associated with the fact that I just really want to be done with undergrad in the spring. I never thought my college experience would be what it has actually become, but I don’t know if I can see my undergraduate experience any other way at this point. I mull about this constantly. It’s one of those things that is always in the back of my head and I probably have thought about at least twice during the day before I’ve gone to sleep.
On the plus side, dropping my class had given me an insane amount of free time that I haven’t had in probably a year. I am always working or going to school, even my breaks during the semester are filled with work and school, so I can honestly say, I actually haven’t had a real break since last summer. This has given me a chance to catch up on some reading:
I finally finished Water for Elephants, which was an excellent book! I highly recommend it, even if you are an animal lover. I promise, it’s not about torturing animals, it has a deeper story and meaning. I am without a doubt the biggest animal lover (most days I like my cat and dog more than most humans), so don’t be turned off by the book because it is about the circus.
The second book I’m reading is Eat, Pray, Love. I’m actually re-reading it because the movie is coming out soon. It is probably one of my top three favorite books, if not my favorite. I think that it’s because I really relate to the author, not in regards to her divorce of course (ha, that rhymes), but more along the lines that we were once very broken people because of many different causes in our life.
I read this book after I had broken up with a serious boyfriend, and now re-reading it, a paragraph really caught my eye:
“…I would say that if you really want to STOP knowing someone, you have to divorce him. Or her. Because this is what happened between me and my husband. I believe that we shocked each other by how swiftly we went form being the people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of the most mutually comprehensive strangers of who ever lived.”
Reading this now, it’s so true. I think when you are a broken person, and have had this dependent relationship with another person, finding that the person has become a stranger is devastating, because you question yourself and wonder who you truly are inside. Were you the one that changed? But, for me, it was deeper than that. I really never knew who I was, I still don’t. That’s what this journey is about.
At the same time, I think that is why I’m so eager to be done with undergraduate. I’m honestly ready to leave this life behind and start fresh somewhere. For me, this means cooking and traveling, those are my two true loves in life. And this is also why I won’t allow myself to really find another person to love for a long time. I really want to be 100% happy with myself before I can think about devoting my time and energy to loving someone else.
Being able to cook is one of the few ways I know how to make myself truly happy. I actually treated myself to a new cookbook this past week:
I’m so excited to actually use it, but it’s been way too hot to even think about turning on the oven in my house. I really wish I had central air.
Having a bad few weeks meant that I turned to bad food choices as well. I’m starting back again to eating better this week. The truth is, I always have struggled with food. I don’t think it is anything you can understand unless you go through this deep and painful process. You truly just won’t get it. Yes, it has to do with body image, but it really has to do more with an abusive relationship with food for years, not a few months. When people tell me they have gained 5 or 10 pounds during a semester, I really just want to laugh in their face. I in all honestly can gain/lose 5 to 10 pounds in 2 weeks. It’s unhealthy, but it’s a constant struggle. Never being able to maintain somewhere that makes me feel happy.
Here are some things I’ve eaten this week that were yummy:
So, this is a super long post, but I warned you in the beginning. I’ve been going through some things, but I think it’s getting better. I promise I will start posting more regularly again.
Lots of love ❤